A Bit of Transparency

I have had a rough past week and a half. Just really down, frustrated, and weak. I am facing the hardest era of motherhood I have entered to date. Barrett is two and asserting himself as an individual, a necessary, but trying time for the both of us. It's like he is pushing so hard against me, but then he is also very needy of me at the same time. He is so very strong, yet so very tender too. I am learning how strong of an individual he will be each day. I feel that we are constantly at war and it has been very exhausting. The harder I try to stand firm and discipline, the harder he pushes against it. I have tried about every method I know to try to little avail. I have been reduced to a sobbing mess almost daily and question my ability as a mother so often. Having just about 10 weeks until the next baby arrives, I feel even more overwhelmed. I want to be the perfect mom that does everything right. My biggest fear is that I will let my children down and fail them as a mother, somehow impairing their true potential and stunting their growth as healthy individuals, men, husbands, fathers some day. Their is a great deal of responsibility in parenting and a great deal of strength required.

I am learning several things in this...First, how much I love my child and though his strength of will can be difficult to deal with at times, how ultimately thankful I am that God has equipped him with this strength. Second, my strength alone is far from sufficient. Third, that God's strength is more than sufficient and He loves my children more than even me and wants what is best for them even more than me. Fourth, that even my greatest effort does not secure my children's happiness, health, or security as an individual. I am not that powerful. I don't matter that much in the grand scheme of things. These are hard lessons for me. I want to be capable and earn my keep so to speak. But that is the ever so difficult, but blessed lesson of truth and grace. Accepting the truth is difficult, but accepting the grace can be even harder for me. Pardon the cliche, but to "let go and let God." I am praying for wisdom, patience,and strength as well as, ironically, the strength to be weak.